In I’m Gonna Marry You Tobey Maguire, Tessa Albertson Channels a Rabid Fangirl

I’m Gonna Marry You Tobey Maguire had a dreamy off-off-Broadway run at the tiny Cell Theater last year, introducing New York audiences to a feral fangirl named Shelby Hinkley and a cornhole-obsessed realtor named Brenda Dee Cankles. Because the theater gods (also known as the producers) are sometimes kind, Samantha Hurley’s insane comedy is now playing London’s Southwark Playhouse. This is great news for the Brits, who can get a taste of lead Tessa Albertson’s brilliantly manic take on Shelby, a 14-year-old who kidnaps the titular star and chains him to a pole in her mom’s basement. The year is 2004, and we’re in South Dakota.

Albertson is best known for playing Sutton Foster’s daughter on the TV Land series Younger (and the teen version of Fiona in Broadway’s Shrek the Musical). She has the perfect, high-octane energy for this play’s tale of Y2K-era celebrity obsession, tapping into a provincial cybertime when internet fan clubs and MySpace themes encouraged deeply corny behavior, but before Instagram dictated that online performance must be sexy. Albertson’s Shelby is a teen girl raised on Cosmo and Tiger Beat, making her Barbies scissor as she sappily narrates the kind of deranged “Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman” fantasies that era shoved down our throats.

A queer performer unafraid of tapping into the grotesque, yet capable of harnessing the emotion required to make the character relatable, Albertson met me last week in the theater lobby after a Tuesday matinee. Her hair was wet from a much-needed rinse, and we immediately got into Britney Spears feminism, her quest to get Bimini to the show, and why it’s “Loser Girl Summer.”

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JUAN A. RAMÍREZ I wanted to ask you, we have to shower after the performance because…?

TESSA ALBERTSON: Because…

RAMÍREZ Well, I guess you can’t really spoil it.

ALBERTSON: Isn’t it a little bit of a spoiler? I get gooked.

RAMÍREZ Do you miss the era of sliming? We don’t really slime celebrities anymore. 

ALBERTSON: It feels very Nickelodeon.

RAMÍREZ Is it exhausting playing feral?

ALBERTSON: It is exhausting. I feel like I operate on a pretty high energy level, for better or for worse. This is my natural state. A lot of the time, I feel like I have to make myself smaller for film auditions and things like that. [In this show], I get to really just go all the way. I’ve had so much trust given to me from the playwright and the director in terms of my instincts, how to punctuate a line and still ground it, so to have the permission to be larger than life is so fun.

RAMÍREZ How do you tap into Shelby?

ALBERTSON: How do I tap into Shelby? It’s interesting, because I feel like we’re constantly being asked who our favorite celebrity crush was growing up. But to me, there’s something so much deeper happening with Shelby—it’s about finding meaning in your life. I’ve just been finding so many parallels, even being in London for the first time. Me and Anders [Hayward] have totally bonded almost in this brother-sister way. And after this summer, I don’t even know if we can see him again. You know what I mean? As an actor, I have this job and it’s so incredible and then it’s going to end. And I don’t really know what happens next, which you can apply to anyone. And then life goes on. That’s why I love that line at the end where she’s like, “I don’t know what’s going to happen next now that Tobey”—spoiler alert—”has left my basement.” But that’s just embracing the highs and lows of life.

RAMÍREZ How did you find this play?

ALBERTSON: I did 24-hour plays with Tyler Struble, the director, and then he reached out to me and was like, “Hey girl, I think I have a play for you.” I’m pretty bad with my DMs. And he was like, “Hey, I’m serious. I think this play is for you.” Then we did a reading of it in March of 2022, and it was like, “Oh, the play works.”

RAMÍREZ He knew that you had the high energy for it?

ALBERTSON: Yeah, I think because in the 24-hour play that I did, it was very much like SNL. I was playing a lot of different parts really quickly. I think he was just like, “If someone is going to be able to handle all of the comedic heavy lifting, it’s Tessa,” which feels amazing. It’s been really gratifying that they’ve now brought me to the New York production, and if it ever goes back to New York, I would do it again.

RAMÍREZ How did the London transfer happen?

ALBERTSON: Jacob [Stuckelman], the producer, called me and was like, “I’m trying to go to London next summer. Just put that on your radar.” Again, I’d never been here, and people would tell me all the time how much I would love it. I mean, I love theater, obviously. I love drag. I love the fashion here.

RAMÍREZ Wait, what’s the London drag scene like?

ALBERTSON: I mean, I just like watching RuPaul’s Drag Race UK. Those are my favorite drag queens: Bimini, Baga Chipz, Divina de Campo. I’m just obsessed with them. I actually did get to see Bimini. I did the silliest thing. Bimini is on a DJ tour right now throughout the UK and no one would go with me. I have so much energy where after every show I’m like, “What are we doing? What’s happening?” And everyone’s like, “You need to go to bed.” So I went to see Bimini by myself. She was just at the bar ordering a drink and I pulled out a pamphlet for the play and was like, “Hi, I love you so much. I would love it if you came to my play.” And she gave me a proper little kiss and hugged me.

RAMÍREZ Where was it?

ALBERTSON: Ton of Bricks, a cozy bar in Brixton a little bit south of here.

RAMÍREZ Oh my god. So, how’s this show feel different for you than New York?

ALBERTSON: I think Anders has totally complicated the role and the dynamic for me. Anders just has the kindest eyes in the world. Again, we’ve developed this brother-sister bond, which complicates the relationship of like, “Oh, Shelby’s just looking for safety and love, and love exists on this different spectrum than sex or sexuality.” I feel like we’re Drake and Megan from Drake & Josh. I feel like I’m his little sister who just won’t leave him alone.

RAMÍREZ Do you like all these outfits? There were so many changes.

ALBERTSON: So many changes, I’m doing the most. I have help for the wedding dress quick change. Besides that, I’m doing them all on my own. Coming out after the fight or some of the other intense scenes, I’m like, “I just want to chug some water and cry a little bit more,” but—

RAMÍREZ Cry a little more?

ALBERTSON: Well, I want to see through that feeling that I’m feeling, you know what I mean? But you have to get to the next scene and the next moment. Tyler, the director, has been a huge help in reminding me that the audience doesn’t need as much time as you think they do for a moment to land. You can keep driving through. But I love the dance outfit, and the Avril Lavigne look towards the end is really fun.

RAMÍREZ Who were you in 2004? Did this tap into something for you?

ALBERTSON: People keep comparing me to Darla from Finding Nemo.

RAMÍREZ Oh my god.

ALBERTSON: I’m like, that’s kind of rude. But in 2004, I loved Britney Spears, I loved Avril, I loved Hilary Duff. And I think I found a lot of my power and sexuality from these larger-than-life music videos. I would imagine my crush at the time at camp, then the whole camp breaks out into song to “(You Drive Me) Crazy” and I hook them by the shirt and bring them in for a kiss.

RAMÍREZ Were you reading Tiger Beat and that kind of stuff?

ALBERTSON: Totally, totally.

RAMÍREZ I feel like the closest thing we have now is DeuxMoi, but that feels chic where Tiger Beat was proudly corny as hell.

ALBERTSON: Corny as hell. Those huge posters, the ones that opened up. I feel like people don’t have posters of people anymore.

RAMÍREZ Because everyone wants to be cool these days.

ALBERTSON: Which is why I’m like, “It’s loser girl summer.” I’m done with It-Girl culture. I freaking love Charli XCX, but when the “360” music video came out I was like, “As much as I want to be Julia, I’m not Julia.” But also, should I just decide to not hate myself? It’s okay to not be cool and to be messy and in your face.

RAMÍREZ I miss being corny. Well, I never stopped—I work in theater. Were you a fan club, MySpace, message board girl at all?

ALBERTSON: The most online I feel like I ever got was with WeWorld. Do you remember WeWorld or Club Penguin?

RAMÍREZ Wait, what’s WeWorld?

ALBERTSON: WeWorld was like Club Penguin, but it was like… avatar people. I got my first boyfriend in fourth grade on WeWorld, which was crazy.

RAMÍREZ I wasn’t a teen in 2004, but there really isn’t a space for kids to be corny, you know what I mean? Shelby is so interesting to me because she’s such a child, but she’s also so weary and has seen too much and knows too much.

ALBERTSON: Totally. I think Shelby is trying so hard to be their own parent and make all these rules for themselves. I’ve written plays too, just about being a girl, growing into a woman and latching onto feminism or Britney Spears. And Shelby, she’s like, “Oh, if I can just be the man of my dream’s wife, my whole life will be figured out and everything will make sense.”

RAMÍREZ Did Tobey Maguire figure into your childhood at all?

ALBERTSON: I have an older brother, so I saw Spider-Man in theaters. I’m more of a Batman girl myself.

RAMÍREZ Same.

ALBERTSON: The new Robert Pattinson one. I was like, “That is a gender reference for me.” Sometimes, if I’m dressing up in drag or just accessing the masculine parts of me, I’m like, “That’s the kind of boy I want to be.”

RAMÍREZ Do you do drag?

ALBERTSON: Only in the comfort of my own home. But that’s also why I love playing Shelby, because people look at me like, “Oh, you’re cute. You have these big, buggy eyes.” But I’m actually this schleppy dude, or part of me is. There’s his older, schleppy Jewish guy inside of me and I love to access him. And if I can do all these crazy voices or move my body in a way that a lot of young women don’t, that’s exciting.

RAMÍREZ I mean this is as a compliment, but the show does not take itself seriously. It feels like it’s literally assembling itself in front of you, which is fun.

ALBERTSON: Totally. I connect to this character so easily. She’s in my heart, so it was such a gift to be able to return to a piece and be like, “Oh, I think I have an even better understanding of my darkness.” This play is so funny on the surface, but there’s the deeper part that I can allow myself to access. And I’m so comfortable with the text at this point. It’s amazing, even though I’m doing a million things.

RAMÍREZ Before the show, did you fill in your Tobey watch list?

ALBERTSON: I remember watching Spider-Man before we started rehearsals last summer. But it’s interesting that Shelby is not obsessed with Spider-Man. She’s obsessed with this person, because she saw him on television. Many of us are binge-watching television and we’ve really normalized that phrase, but binging implies an unhealthy amount of something. Shelby lets herself fall in love with a performance. That’s why it’s so scary to meet your heroes.

RAMÍREZ Have you ever met your heroes and found it disappointing?

ALBERTSON: I think yes. Have you seen the Billie Eilish documentary?

RAMÍREZ No, I actually haven’t.

ALBERTSON: There’s this amazing scene where she is having a bad day. She’s just not really in the mood, but she has a concert that night and someone on her team is like, “Hey, Billie, you have to meet this very important, wealthy person and his daughter after the concert.” She’s like, “I don’t want to. They’re going to meet me and they’re going to see that I’m not in a good mood and they’re going to tell everyone they know that Billie Eilish is an asshole, and that’s not fair. That’s not fair to them and it’s not fair to me.” That has really stuck with me. They’re just freaking people, and it’s such a great responsibility to always be an example. This recent tabloid came out of Tobey McGuire where–

RAMÍREZ What happened?

ALBERTSON: On July 4th, he was at a party in the Hamptons, and paparazzi took a picture of him with his hands on this 20-year-old actress’s waist, and he’s like, 49 now. And so there was all this like, “Oh, I guess you are dating.” Someone commented on his ex-wife’s Instagram and was like, “How do you feel that your ex-husband is with a 20-year-old?” And she was like, “He was walking her to her car. They’re just friends and F off.” And I was like, I believe that, not that it matters what I believe. But we’re so quick to be like, “Oh, that person is making a mistake, or that person’s an asshole.” We’re all just people, and it’s amazing to connect with someone’s work, but Shelby and I are different people.

RAMÍREZ My last question is, did you ever make your dolls fuck?

ALBERTSON: Oh, yeah. I just had Barbies and Polly Pockets. I had Playmobil, too, but those are less horny.