“I’m Mental”: Live From Crackhead Barney’s Unhinged Presidential Debate

THURSDAY 9 PM JUNE 27, 2024 DOWNTOWN

Last night at 93 Canal, the performance artist and political agitator Crackhead Barney brought some downtown personalities to a new livestreaming space to enact their own play-by-play version of the presidential debate between Donald Trump and Joe Biden, whose remarks droned in the background. As Barney moderated, what started as a riff on the actual questions quickly veered off the rails, until she finally took to terrorizing the streets to yell, “If you’re out in Dimes Square, you’re a Trump supporter!” In the aftermath, we grabbed some of the actors to get the highlight reel.

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CRACKHEAD BARNEY: Oh, it’s you. You’re white like me.

MEKALA RAJAGOPAL: America, baby. What was the highlight of the debate?

CRACKHEAD BARNEY: I liked my introduction a lot, when I was screaming on the stage, going crazy. And also when I went in the middle and put Alka-Seltzer down my chest when one of the actors threw a book at me. When I was hitting people, buzzing people and telling them to get the fuck out. 

RAJAGOPAL: Who was the best performer?

CRACKHEAD BARNEY: You were, baby.

RAJAGOPAL: Don’t flatter me. 

CRACKHEAD BARNEY: Yeah, you and me. Who’s the best? I am.

RAJAGOPAL: What’s the biggest issue that Americans should consider when voting?

CRACKHEAD BARNEY: The most major issue is divesting from genocide in Sudan, Congo, Palestine. It’s dividing the country apart tremendously. I don’t like none of that shit. I lost friends over it. What the fuck is that? A lot of us don’t agree with it. Unfortunately, our money goes there and it’s breaking the fabric of America. Raising rents, too. The wages are not increasing with the fucking housing prices. So a house is like a million dollars, and then the median salary is not being increased. Homelessness too, and mental illness. I’m mental, nobody’s helping me.

RAJAGOPAL: Are you going to vote?

CRACKHEAD BARNEY: So I walked into the voting arena on Tuesday and I announced to everyone there that I felt like I was getting raped. I just said, “I feel raped. I cannot vote.” My body was feeling very intruded on. But the thing is that if we don’t vote for Biden, it’s one more vote for Trump. I’m conflicted because I honestly don’t like any of the candidates. But if we vote for Jill Stein, it’s a vote for Trump because the third party is pulling away from the two major parties. So yeah. Trump 2024.

RAJAGOPAL: What was the highlight of the debate? 

WHITNEY MALLET: My dancing. I tried to represent white people’s dance moves.

RAJAGOPAL: You were shaking that butt too well. 

MALLET: Back and forth, left to right. Not even a two step, a one step. I thought Johnny [Gaffney] had a good joke where he was doing his Trump impersonation, and he said, “Grab them by the pussy. Trump was supporting they/thems.” 

RAJAGOPAL: Oh, grab them by the pussy. 

MALLET: Yeah, “That’s a very progressive statement, actually.” I think Kellian’s toe socks was another highlight. 

RAJAGOPAL: Are you gonna vote for president? 

MALLET: I’m not a citizen, so I cannot vote. 

RAJAGOPAL: Not my president. 

MALLET: Literally not my president. 

RAJAGOPAL: What was the vibe at the presidential debate?

PAUL GONDRY: I think when [Crackhead Barney] went on the street, it was great. It felt very ’90s. It was just as demented as TV used to be, and I think that’s a good thing. Bring back the evangelical priests. Bring back the performers.

RAJAGOPAL: What was your highlight, Ada?

ADA O’HIGGINS: My favorite part was shading my opponent. I made fun of Trump’s nipple because his nipple was out. It was out in the debate. And I was like, “What is that?”

RAJAGOPAL: What’s the number one law you think that America should abolish?

O’HIGGINS:: I think they should repeal the anti-abortion law and they should institute rent control, free healthcare, and reintroduce more welfare for people.

RAJAGOPAL: What was your favorite wig?

O’HIGGINS: I have to say, no shade, Greg’s blue wig. I liked the anime vibes. I did like yours as well.

RAJAGOPAL: Oh, thanks. I’m not offended. If everyone in America was forced to wear the same outfit, what should it be?

O’HIGGINS: I think they should all be forced to wear a chic nineties Yoji Yamamoto all-black uniform. I think everyone would look good.

RAJAGOPAL: What was the highlight of the debate? 

GREGORY MILLER: That Hunter Biden gay porn moment. This guy was impersonating Trump and talking about Biden and his messy son, and he had an iPad and he played a screenshot of gay porn. Levels. 

RAJAGOPAL: Levels to it. What’s the most pressing issue for Americans to consider when they’re voting? 

MILLER: Immigration. Boots. How you know if someone is racist or not is where they stand on immigration. Because what the fuck is America? A bunch of niggas that don’t live here. 

RAJAGOPAL: Oh, my wig fell down. You snatched my wig.

RAJAGOPAL: What was the highlight of the debate?

LAUREN BOYLE: Crackhead Barney climbing on the table. And people referring to the moderator as Crackhead when they’re answering her. It was like, “Excuse me, Crackhead?” That was really good. Ada O’Higgins killed it. She’s someone to watch.

RAJAGOPAL: And we watched her. Who had the most major look?

BOYLE: Definitely Christen Mooney. And Greg Miller.

RAJAGOPAL: A popular answer. Addie [Guidry] as a dancing crab was amazing.

BOYLE: Oh, yes. She had another look that said “humiliate me,” and I was really sad that she didn’t wear it. Her and Ada’s sexy Bidens were really good.

RAJAGOPAL: Oh yeah, the bisexual Bidens. The Bi-dens.

MEKALA RAJAGOPAL: So what was the highlight of the debate? 

FISH FIORUCCI: Highlight of the debate was that I’m actually gonna be voting for Donald Trump now, but don’t tell anybody. 

RAJAGOPAL: The debate convinced you to vote for Donald Trump? 

FIORUCCI: The debate actually convinced me that Donald Trump is the… exactly. You know what, Joe Biden, love you, but you got Alzheimer’s baby. Get well soon. 

RAJAGOPAL: What’s the number one law we need to abolish in America? 

FIORUCCI: Freedom of speech. 

RAJAGOPAL: Period.