“That’s an Exclusive, Baby”: Backstage at the Cabaret With Countess Luann de Lesseps

FRIDAY 7:41 PM NOVEMBER 15, 2024 MIDTOWN

The Countess Luann de Lesseps has had quite a year, and she hasn’t even dropped her forthcoming album of Christmas carols. Between sold-out appearances at festivals across Europe, a brief stay at Tilda Swinton’s palatial castle in Scotland, and an unsavory encounter with her former co-star Bethenny Frankel in the Hamptons, the former Real Housewives of New York star has been on the move—and steadily gathering anecdotes to deliver on stage at her cabaret show, “Marry F Kill,” a winking and energetic journey through years of Luann lore. Last Friday, amidst throngs of gay men and a few former co-stars, too, the Countess returned to her native Manhattan for one last show before setting off on an entirely new tour, “A Very Countess Christmas,” next month. But we weren’t going to let her leave without sharing a smoke. So, just before taking the stage, we stopped by her dressing room to find out what it’s like to share a bed with Swinton’s Springer Spaniel and discuss the status of her embattled friendship with Bethenny. “She always said life isn’t a cabaret,” de Lesseps told me. “But I guess it is.”

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JAKE NEVINS: We’re deep in the bowels of the Sony Music Hall with one of my all-time favorite Real Housewives, the Countess, Miss LuAnn de Lesseps.

LUANN DE LESSEPS: One of? Let me take that cigarette back.

NEVINS: Sorry. All-time favorite.

DE LESSEPS: Oh, thank you.

NEVINS: In the spirit of Smoke Break, I wanted to start by asking what’s the most memorable or transformative encounter you’ve had with someone over a cigarette.

DE LESSEPS: Well, I’ve given cigarettes to homeless people. I’ve lit their cigarettes, too. Oh, and one time I left my cigarettes on a chair at the Mighty Hoopla Festival in London and I went to see Amanda Lepore perform. I was so happy. I loved it. So I left my cigarettes on a random chair around a big area with lots of people. Two hours later, I come back and the cigarettes are still there. I mean, that’s chic.

NEVINS: None were taken out of the pack?

DE LESSEPS: Nope, just where I left them.

NEVINS: You don’t touch the Morgan letters and you don’t touch Luann’s cigarettes.

DE LESSEPS: That’s right.

NEVINS: Do you have something special in store for New Yorkers tonight?

DE LESSEPS: Well, listen. New York is where I live, right? It’s my hometown. So I was going to say something like, “I’m so happy to be on Broadway. Or let’s call it the basement. Or as Ramona would call it, the lower level.” I mean, it’s New York, so it’s home base. I’ve got Nicole Miller, the fashion designer, in attendance. Candace Bushnell is here tonight. You know who she is.

NEVINS: Of course.

DE LESSEPS: Kelly Bensimon is going to come.

NEVINS: Is that right?

DE LESSEPS: She’ll be here.

NEVINS: I went wedding dress shopping with her a few months ago.

DE LESSEPS: Oh, you did?

NEVINS: But the wedding didn’t happen.

DE LESSEPS: I know. I’m so glad I didn’t book the hotel.

NEVINS: She’s a powerful woman. She doesn’t need a man.

DE LESSEPS: Exactly, and there’s something to be said for a runaway bride, right?

NEVINS: I think that’s pretty chic.

DE LESSEPS: It takes balls. I should have done it with Tom, but whatever. I have no regrets.

NEVINS: Are you doing any covers tonight?

DE LESSEPS: I do Miley, I do Tina Turner and Shania Twain, to name a few.

NEVINS: If you could recruit one of the big pop girls to open for you, which one would it be?

DE LESSEPS: Miley Cyrus. You know why? Because she’s a broad. You know what I mean? She’s a badass. I like badass chicks. Her team called to have us come out to surprise her for the Grammys and I had my rehearsal with a full band. My director was in town, so I didn’t want to change everybody’s schedule around. They’re like, “We don’t know if she’s going to win, but we’d love for you to fly out and surprise her for the Grammy party afterwards.” I should have gone, because she won.

NEVINS: She did. Speaking of awards, if you had to choose between an Oscar, Grammy, Tony, or Emmy, which would you most want to win?

DE LESSEPS: Oscar. The big one. Look at Tilda Swinton. Tilda Swinton came to my show in London.

NEVINS: She won for Michael Clayton. I want to know a lot more about your friendship with Tilda.

DE LESSEPS: So she came to my show at the Koko Club in London, which was sold out. It was this amazing, gorgeous, big club. I heard she was coming, but I wasn’t sure she was actually going to come, et cetera. So she comes to the after party and she embraces me for 10 minutes. And she says, “I do adore that you spread so much joy around the world. But after six shows, you must be exhausted. I have a humble abode in Scotland. It’d be so lovely if you were to come along. And I’m going tomorrow, the train departs at 5:00 PM. We’re going to have crumpets and red wine.” I said, “Well, Tilda, I’ve never been to Scotland, so let me try to organize that.” So I said to Roger, my assistant, “Let’s go.” So we got off the train with her and we went to Scotland and she asked me, “How is Sonja doing?” And then I said, “Dorinda is doing Traitors right now in Scotland.” So I tried to call Dorinda on FaceTime. I’m like, “I’m with Tilda Swinton.” But she doesn’t pick up her phone because on Traitors, they take your phone.

NEVINS: Right.

DE LESSEPS: That’s why I’ll never do that show.

NEVINS: You would be good.

DE LESSEPS: I’m not a good liar.

NEVINS: Fair enough. So Tilda Swinton is obsessed with you. She lets you come to her manor in Scotland to convalesce. Does that make you feel like a fucking rockstar?

DE LESSEPS: Well, the minute you think you’re ripe, you’re rotten. An old friend of mine who was a princess married to an Austrian-Hungarian prince used to say that. But anyway, Tilda and I have matching sweaters now. She’s a real eccentric. She has this castle with cattle and six Springer spaniels. She’s running around the whole time. She goes, “Darling, let me give you a hot water bottle.” Because it gets cold in castles. Then she gets her dog, Louie, and says, “You’re going to sleep with the Countess tonight.” She’s just wonderful, eccentric, the real deal. Her family goes back to the year 800. Not 1800. 800.

NEVINS: Oh, wow. She’s a real aristocrat.

DE LESSEPS: And the town is called Swinton. It was magical.

NEVINS: Very posh. So your show is called “Marry, F, Kill.” Let’s play a couple rounds.

DE LESSEPS: Okay.

NEVINS: How about three Housewives who’ve also spent a night in the pen: Tinsley Mortimer, Teresa Giudice, and Nene Leakes.

DE LESSEPS: Oh, shit. It’s a hard one. I’m going to have to kill NeNe, marry Tinsley, and definitely fuck Teresa.

NEVINS: Excellent. Another round. How about Anderson Cooper, Andy Cohen and—

DE LESSEPS: Jeff Lewis.

NEVINS: Okay. And Jeff Lewis.

DE LESSEPS: I’m going to marry Andy because I’ll always have a job. I’m going to fuck Anderson.

NEVINS: Who wouldn’t?

DE LESSEPS: I guess I have to kill Jeff Lewis, although I love Jeff. I’m doing his podcast next week. [Laughs] When is this coming out, by the way?

NEVINS: [Laughs] Before then, sadly. But we’ll move on before you get in hot water. If you were to walk into The Regency bar right now, who would you see who’d make you walk right back out?

DE LESSEPS: Bethenny.

NEVINS: [Laughs] Have you crossed paths recently?

DE LESSEPS: This summer, actually.

NEVINS: How’d that go?

DE LESSEPS: Well, she came up to me with her daughter and she says, “Guess what? I guess life is a cabaret.” I said, “Isn’t it?” So she concedes.

NEVINS: Wow.

DE LESSEPS: And she goes, “Brynn’s a fan. She wants to take a picture.” I said, “Sure, okay.” So she warmed me up, right? We take a picture and then Emma Roberts walks over and I’m standing with Emma Roberts, there’s Jon Hamm, a couple of other people. We did one of those group shots. So I go to Bethenny, “Make sure you send those to me.” Never got them. Well, I did, but she had posted them first, which I didn’t think too much about. And then she did a TikTok in the morning talking about the whole thing and how we’re friends again.

NEVINS: Weird.

DE LESSEPS: And then I went, “Wait a second…” Because in her TikTok she’s like, “Brynn is the one who helped me bridge the gap with the Countess.” And I’m going, “Oh, I just got got.” And I’m blocked on her social media. She sent me the pictures the next day after she posted them. So I’m like, “Is this sincere?” That’s why I say I would walk out, because I thought it was for real.

NEVINS: Right.

DE LESSEPS: So that was disappointing, because I’d like to be friends with her again at some point.

NEVINS: Frankly, you’re thriving.

DE LESSEPS: I’ve got enough friends. Friends that have my back.

NEVINS: You’re playing music festivals and Bethenny is getting in fights with Chanel and having tantrums on TikTok.

DE LESSEPS: Well, life has a way of taking care of itself, doesn’t it? I’ve never wished her any harm. I was happy the day she left Housewives because she was always after me, so I was always walking on eggshells. You never know how she’s going to try to attack me. You know what I mean? She always said life isn’t a cabaret. But I guess it is.

NEVINS: There you go. Since we’re right here on Broadway, I wanted to find out your Broadway dream role.

DE LESSEPS: Well it’s got to be Cabaret, right?

NEVINS: Duh. Have you seen the revival?

DE LESSEPS: I saw it twice. I saw it first with Eddie Redmayne on the West End in London. Then I saw it with Adam Lambert here.

NEVINS: Which one did you prefer, Eddie or Adam?

DE LESSEPS: I love the West End because it’s real. The stage is real. They made that revolving stage here in New York, but that was the real stage. You know what I mean? And I liked the authenticity of that. I mean, Lambert did a great job, too.

NEVINS: You as Sally Bowles. Let’s start that campaign. I could see you doing a really nice and growly take on “Maybe This Time.”

DE LESSEPS: You’re going to manifest it.

NEVINS: When can we expect new music from you?

DE LESSEPS: Well, you know what? I’m moving now from “Marry F Kill,” which you’re going to get to see tonight, to my holiday tour called “A Very Countess Christmas.” And I kick off December 2nd in Atlanta. It’s an all-new Christmas show. And I’m excited because I wrote a new song for this tour. 

NEVINS: Tease one for us.

DE LESSEPS: It’s called “Sonja Got Run Over By a Reindeer On Her Way Home From Bluestone on Christmas Eve.”

NEVINS: You’re joking.

DE LESSEPS: [Singing] “You can say there’s no such thing as Santa, but as for me and the OGs, we believe…”

NEVINS: It’s a hit.

DE LESSEPS: That’s an exclusive, baby. No one knows that yet.

NEVINS: Thank you for that, Luann. Break a leg tonight.

DE LESSEPS: Thank you, honey. You’re going to have the best time.