Life Lessons from Joan Rivers

Welcome to Life Lessons. This week we revisited our 1984 interview with comedian and all-around legend, Joan Rivers. At the time, Joan had recently started co-hosting “The Tonight Show” with Johnny Carson, who was one of the first to declare Rivers a star after many years spent “living on ketchup soup,” as she describes her lean years. Sitting in her Bel-Air home with her second husband, Edgar Rosenberg, the queen of comedy revealed her rules of marriage, her plastic surgery schedule, and the secret to her success. So sit back and grab a pen—you might learn a thing or two.

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“When I die they’ll bury me three feet down. I am very shallow.”

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“Well, I did everything. I tried everything.”

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“If you want to marry that old guy who’s very rich, fine. But then you must not cheat on him. That’s your deal. You want to be Miss America, the deal’s got to be that you haven’t screwed around. Otherwise, don’t enter the contest. Play by the rules.”

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“There is no woman I can point to with pride and say, ‘Melissa [my daughter], this is your role model.’ So, you know who I point to? You’re going to get crazy. Brooke Shields.”

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“I wouldn’t mind my daughter being Jamie Lee Curtis. You know what I’m saying?”

“All the funny ladies really have to be anchored in some kind of middle-class reality. And middle-class is still marriage and supermarkets”

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“I’m not out to embarrass anybody.”

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“If you’re going to lie, you must be clever in your lies”

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“You want to fry your head, fry it”

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“I like ladies who have done the most with themselves.”

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“I have news for you, if I had a great body, I would have done nude scenes. No question about it… I can’t say to you I’m a prude about that. If I had a great body and somebody wanted me to do it—absolutely—in a second.”

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“I just see myself as a comedienne. I see myself as an entertainer and, live, rather than television.”

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“I’m going to get a movie off the ground if I’m 185 years old when I do it.”

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“I would not like to sit with Jackie O… Too much of a hothouse flower.”

“You know, my boobs have dropped so low I gave my left one a pedicure.”

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“Every other year I get something done plastic surgery-wise. And the in-between year I travel. This year it’s Hong Kong, next year it’s Doctor Kamer. We just alternate.”

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“I’m at the age where you can’t wait to get into bed and read. ‘Oh, boy, oh, boy, I’ve got a new book. I’m going to get into bed right now!’”

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“I regret that I didn’t screw around a lot more… I had a couple of great opportunities and now I go, ‘I shoulda done it.’ But then it hadda be love, it hadda be warmth.”

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“What’s made me a success is that I’m very average.”