Noah Rinsky Tells Us His @OldJewishMen Tips For Sitting Shiva and Sending Dick Pics

I was a few minutes late for Search History with Noah Rinsky, creator of the popular Instagram account Old Jewish Men of New York, and he made sure I knew it. “About time you showed up,” he messaged me. “You’re like my junior high girlfriend when I forgot to pull out: chronically late.” Rinsky’s sense of humor is bawdy, but make no mistake: this guy is a certifiable mensch. To prove it, he’s written a book that expands the premise of his Instagram into a kind of bible for all aspiring OJMS. Out this week, The Old Jewish Men’s Guide to Eating, Sleeping, and Futzing Around covers a lot of ground, with sections dedicated to topics as varied as cheese, schvitzing, negotiation, and deli sandwiches. To mark the occasion, we slid into Rinsky’s DMs. That’s when things got out of hand.

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NEVINS: What’s up, Noah?

RINSKY: About time you showed up. You’re like my junior high girlfriend when I forgot to pull out: chronically late.

NEVINS: That’s me. Welcome to Search History.

RINSKY: Never heard of it.

NEVINS: Is there an @OldJewishMenOfNewYork guide to proper pulling out decorum?

RINSKY: Pull out, don’t pull out. Whatever works. Either way, don’t apologize.

NEVINS: I read that you were compelled to start this account because you missed your father—what’s the best bit of sex advice he ever gave you?

RINSKY: He was a child psychiatrist. I’m not sure if he was always so direct with his patients, but I do recall him saying to me: “wrap that thing up, there’s a lotta nasty shit out there.”

NEVINS: What’s it like growing up the son of a child psychiatrist?

RINSKY: Well, you realize later as an adult that your father was also therapizing. They can’t help themselves. It’s like asking an accountant not to look at the dinner bill.

NEVINS: Can you send a screenshot of your Google search history?

NEVINS: A fascinating peek into your mind. I took the Jets moneyline, by the way.

RINSKY: Same.

NEVINS: Which NFL player would you most like to schvitz with?

RINSKY: I don’t know. My first thought was Reggie Bush. I wasn’t even a Saints fan. But that’s where my mind went. I guess I’m gay for Bush.

NEVINS: What’s one thing you’d want a Goysich reader to take away from your book?

RINSKY: The goyim should be so curious about this book that they buy several boxes to give to their gentile friends. More seriously, I would say that gentiles should use this book to master their skills at negotiation. Without this book, they’ll never get anywhere in a courtroom, in a business deal, or winning an argument with their Jewish wife. This book is guaranteed to score you a second date with your proctologist.

NEVINS: Where do you take your proctologist on a second date?

RINSKY: Well, since you already hit a home run on the first date, I guess you gotta buy the guy a drink? Take him out somewhere nice.

NEVINS: Mensch behavior. Fuck, marry, kill: Larry David, Mark Cuban, Bernie Sanders.

RINSKY: Mark Cuban, I’d kill. I’m not getting much out of him these days. It’s not the NBA season and he used to be a real hoot as the owner of the Mavs. I guess I’d fuck Larry David, just to show him who’s boss—somebody’s got to? Bernie generally seems like a horrible person to spend your life with, but I could see myself enjoying hourslong tedious debates about government policy.

NEVINS: Since we’ve spent like, 60% of this interview talking about penises, which of those men has the prettiest one?

RINSKY: Like, the least worn out? The least bloodless? Larry’s recently remarried, so I’m sure his penis has been reinvigorated. Cuban’s probably most pube, which is fine.

NEVINS: Pubes are great.

RINSKY: They can make a penis look like Bob Ross. That’s my wife’s joke.

NEVINS: It’s great that you’ve found someone with a similar sense of humor. What’s the best Jewish deli in New York?

RINSKY: It doesn’t get any better than Barney Greengrass—the room is great, the food’s a little pricey, but as Gary Greengrass would say, “Do you want to eat a pile of shit or do you wanna eat at Barney Greengrass?”

NEVINS: The choice is yours.

RINSKY: Russ & Daughters Cafe is also a great place to sit—bottomless coffee! Sables is nice. Katz’s is a nightmare these days. Russ & Daughters Cafe is very good at not rushing you. I was there yesterday, in fact.

NEVINS: Your book has an excellent and very insightful chapter about negotiating: what’s the best deal you’ve ever scored?

RINSKY: Great question. Well, I scored a lifetime of intercourse with a great looking broad and I have no idea what’s in it for her. And she doesn’t even charge me by the hour.

NEVINS: Home run. Can you send us a selfie?

NEVINS: Is it hard being so handsome? 

RINSKY: You’re too kind. You see the picture behind me? Daniel Arnold took a fantastic picture of an OJM, I believe in Midtown. Great eye, that guy.

NEVINS: We love Daniel Arnold. What’s your best and worst memory from your Bar Mitzvah?

RINSKY: Well, I had the flu. They had to pump me with steroids to get through it, actually. The best memory was the Allen Iverson signed memorabilia I got. I still have it. My dad’s friend, another shrink, gave it to me.

NEVINS: That’s fucking incredible. I had two hermit crabs growing up named Iverson and Vince Carter.

RINSKY: That was one of the best series ever.

NEVINS: Can you send a screenshot of your FanDuel/DraftKings/preferred gambling app transaction history?

NEVINS: I recently had to sit shiva. Any OJM tips for shiva conduct?

RINSKY: My condolences. Hopefully it was an ex-wife or something. Show up early and leave early. You get the most credit that way. I wouldn’t be late to a shiva if you can help it. Also, bring some zip-lock bags and big pockets.

NEVINS: Ideal for rugelach storage. And what’s the OJM philosophy on dick pics?

RINSKY: Dick pics seem like a losing proposition for straight men. But if you must send one, if it’s for some reason requested by the woman (they never are), I think it’s sort of interesting to send flaccid pics. Why? At least it begs them to ask the question. But putting a totally erect member on screen, gushing with blood and desire, there’s not much to say?

NEVINS: Totally void of aura and mystery. Anyway, money or clout?

RINSKY: Money or clout? Well, cash is king… but I don’t have enough clout to know how truly good it can be. I imagine for a guy like Larry David or Trump, the clout must be so addicting, the high so much better than anything money can buy, that you just have to keep getting more. You look at these guys in their late 70s who are still so hungry… it must really be something, ya know?

NEVINS: The grind is eternal. Last question: what’s your password?

RINSKY: bagelfucker69!

NEVINS: Hell yeah. You aced Search History.

RINSKY: Thanks, Jake. Fun talking to you, and I hate talking to most people.