Neoliberal Hell Pod Takes Us to Trump’s Arraignment

Yesterday afternoon, shortly after former president Donald J. Trump pled not guilty to 34 felony counts at the Manhattan Criminal Courthouse, Neoliberal Hell podcast co-host Matthew Donovan and producer Ryan Pomarico arrived amidst a crowd of protesters at a park across the street from the arraignment. The happening, divided in half by police barricades in an attempt to segregate liberals and conservatives, was politically charged, though the energy of the crowd felt uncharacteristically tame. As the podcasters made their rounds, the protests on both sides of the barricades became one and the same, as if it were personal attention, not political gain, motivating those who felt they had something important to say. As helicopters hovered overhead, our hosts centered themselves in the action, putting aside politics in favor of petty fame as they passed friends—and foes—their microphone.—TAYLORE SCARABELLI

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THE IMPERSONATOR

MATTHEW DONOVAN: What’s your name? 

IMPERSONATOR: My name is Donald J. Trump, I am the most not guilty in the history of guilties. 

DONOVAN: Really? What makes you feel not guilty today?

IMPERSONATOR: Mostly because everything is a fake news media lie made by George Soros and in space. Yes, that’s right, it happened all in space.

DONOVAN: What happened in space?

IMPERSONATOR: This conspiracy that I’m guilty—which I’m not. I’m the least guilty. I’m less guilty than O.J.

DONOVAN: [Laughs] Do you have any words of inspiration to everyone else that’s just going about their day today?

IMPERSONATOR: I think you should believe that anything is possible because even someone born into wealth can be successful in America.

DONOVAN: That’s beautiful, thank you so much.

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THE ARTIST

DONOVAN: Hello! How are you? 

CRACKHEAD BARNEY: I woke up. I was in my white woman dreams and you came and harassed me.

DONOVAN: Wow. You look great today by the way.

CRACKHEAD BARNEY: I know, I’m a white woman and a lot of these assholes don’t believe it.

DONOVAN: I heard they wouldn’t let you in today.

CRACKHEAD BARNEY: Yeah, so you know Lieutenant Molina? He’s in one of my abortion videos where I put the red paint on his jacket. He didn’t let me in. Can you believe that shit? 

DONOVAN: How do you feel about everything going on today?

CRACKHEAD BARNEY: I just want everyone to believe I’m a white woman and that I will fuck Donald Trump for 130 thousand, and I’ll keep quiet.

DONOVAN: Donald Trump, you have a standing offer on the table. 130 thousand, let us know if you’ll take it.

CRACKHEAD BARNEY: Yeah, and he could come on my dress, I’ll wear a blue dress like Monica Lewinsky and I’ll never remove it.

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THE NICK FUENTES FAN

RYAN POMARICO: Are you a Trump supporter? 

NICK FUENTES FAN: Yes.

POMARICO: I just want to say you’re maybe the swaggiest Trump supporter I’ve ever seen.

NICK FUENTES FAN: Thank you.

POMARICO: Can we get a rundown of the fit from top to bottom? How much did your fit cost?

NICK FUENTES FAN: The AF hat cost 35 dollars, free shipping, thank god for Nick Fuentes. And he signed it too, see the scribble?

POMARICO: Oh wow.

NICK FUENTES FAN: The Yeezy Gap hoodie cost 160 dollars, I got it from StockX. Brutal amount. And I got these 65 dollar—wait, 55 dollar Champion sweats and the New Balance cost 84. 

DONOVAN: How do you feel about today’s rally?

NICK FUENTES FAN: It’s pretty cringe, it’s shit, I hate it. If this is the Trump base—honestly I’m not really against Trump getting indicted. I mean I am, I love Trump, but this is just like if you pan across the crowd it’s terrible, it’s low energy. Like, Trump talked about low energy when I was in middle school and this is like the epitome of it. Like, the left is more energetic than that.

DONOVAN: So you’re saying that the base here today is cringe?

NICK FUENTES FAN: Yeah, cringe. Look, we like our people, but you gotta be a little more aggressive. 

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THE LABOR ACTIVIST

MATTHEW DONOVAN: We’re here with Chris Smalls. How are you doing today, Chris? 

CHRIS SMALLS: You already know. Same shit, different toilet. Fighting the big corps. Fighting billionaires and living rent free in Jeff Bezos’s head.

DONOVAN: Yes, yes, yes. So what do you think about Trump getting arrested today? 

SMALLS: I’m just over it. It is what it is. I don’t give a fuck about it.

DONOVAN: What advice do you have to other people out there that are trying to organize their own workplaces?

SMALLS: Organize a job, don’t quit. That’s what we gotta do right now. Point and overturn. We gotta shut shit down. Prime example is today.

DONOVAN: How did you feel about the recent Starbucks court case where Bernie sat in and roasted Larry Schultz?

 SMALLS: I love it. I want to see more of it this year. Off to a good start. Hopefully he brings Andy Jassy in, the CEO of Amazon.  

DONOVAN: 300 Starbucks unions have been formed, but they haven’t been recognized by Starbucks. Do you have any comment on that?

SMALLS: Yeah, once again, we got to hold our elected officials, hold our CEOs accountable. The organizing will never stop. We started something last year that’s continuing to grow and they gotta to come to the table because we’re not going to stop.

DONOVAN: Swag socialist, Chris Smalls, our favorite at Neoliberal Hell pod. Thank you!