Matt Rogers Just Wants a Tito’s and Soda for Christmas

With his new holiday special Have You Heard of Christmas?, Matt Rogers is single-handedly making the Yuletide gay. In his quest to become a “seasonally ubiquitous comedian,” as he told us, the Fire Island star is giving reigning Christmas queen Mariah Carey a run for her money, belting his heart out in not one but two shimmering silver suits throughout the hour-long extravaganza of music and sketch comedy. Fans of Las Culturalistas, the podcast Rogers hosts with fellow comedian and Fire Island co-star Bowen Yang, will appreciate the special’s irreverent specificity, with cutaways to ill-fated PR meetings staffed by the likes of Natalie Walker and Jo Firestone, and an extended inquiry into exactly how Christine Baranski’s Martha May Whovier would fuck the Grinch. Have You Heard of Christmas? is somehow both unabashedly horny and wholesome, the perfect vehicle for Rogers’ showmanship. In the spirit of the holidays, we asked him to complete a very festive edition of our classic Rorschach test. Here, Rogers offers his takes on some of the season’s most hotly contested topics, from whether or not there’s really a “war on Christmas,” as some pundits would have you believe, to the ethics of sitting on Santa’s lap.—CAITLIN LENT 

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THE “WAR ON CHRISTMAS”

 

I don’t think that anyone walks out into the streets of New York and thinks, “Wow, Christmas is really under attack. I’m seeing less. They really had to go minimalist with Christmas this year.” Babe, your holiday is going to be just fine. It’s not going anywhere. All you have to do is go out into Rockefeller Center and get hit by a falling ornament to understand that Christmas is not threatened.

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JESUS CHRIST

 

If he was around today, he would most certainly be an influencer. You’d see him on TikTok. I hate to say it, but just because you have abs does not mean you have to make it your whole personality. Dude, we get it. You’re cut. You’re on that Bethlehem diet. He really was giving model. He was giving that gaunt look. He’s sort of the original Timmy Chalamet. I would love to see him in some of the looks that Timmy is rocking on the red carpet. I think he’d really give him a run for a lot of these lead roles, too. I think Jesus would be booking.

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EGGNOG

 

Not for me, because frankly, eggs should be scrambled and on a plate, not nogged. I don’t even really know what that means. I understand people like to spike it, but I can spike other things. There’s something that doesn’t sit right in my spirit about sucking down that much dairy. I hate to say it, but I’m a true gay man in that I’ll have a Tito’s and soda on Christmas.

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POTATO LATKES

 

I love it. In moderation. Of course, we love to carbo-load. Essentially, what you’re eating is a McDonald’s hash brown. Who doesn’t want to shovel those down? I would hate to be invited to Hanukkah and eat all the potato latkes. But I can’t control myself.

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FIGHTING WITH RELATIVES

 

I love drama. I think my extended family better watch out this year because I haven’t really spent a holiday season with them in some time, and I have become a connoisseur of the Real Housewives franchise. So I really know how to point at someone across a table and tell them they owe me an apology. I am really good at storming out of a room. I have a whole playbook.

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SEX ON CHRISTMAS MORNING

 

That’s a tough one, because I am not going to control my appetite on Christmas Eve. What I could promise you is I also lack control in my appetite for sex. So we can do that on Christmas Eve. Christmas morning is a very bloated atmosphere. I’m someone who actually loves morning sex, but not for this.

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CANDACE CAMERON BURE

 

If Candace Cameron Bure doesn’t want to include me in her network, I’m certainly not going to include her in my interview.

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SITTING ON SANTA’S LAP

 

Hot. Here’s the thing about Santa—and kids need to stop reading this—Santa is not real. So there is no Mrs. Claus, and Santa is not going back to the North Pole. If someone’s giving you a vibe, you always follow it. If someone comes and says, “Hey, come sit on my lap,” and they see I’m a 32 year old gay man, there’s a reason for that. But it depends: is he asking the right questions? Is he promising the right gifts?

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LOVE ACTUALLY

 

Actually, not one of my favorites. Only a few of the plot lines are good. I do think that Emma Thompson turns in a hell of a performance, but it’s one of those things that everyone has claimed as a classic. And I’m like, I don’t know, though I can appreciate the iconography of the signs to Keira Knightley. I can appreciate “The Trouble with Love Is” by Kelly Clarkson being the song of the film. It’s just not one I return to.

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“BABY IT’S COLD OUTSIDE”

 

I’m going to drag it because it’s just not that good of a song. I understand it’s problematic. It’s also a boring little song. I understand it’s a duet. Two people get to go on stage and have their moment. But I just don’t think it’s cute or good. And, of course, it’s rape culture.

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CRANBERRY SAUCE

 

We have to do it in the can. Certainly not the homemade cranberry sauce. It’s egotistical. You are not going to make cranberry sauce that’s better than the ones you get in the can. We have figured it out. Spend your time on other sides. You can make an iconic stuffing. Stuffing can be something you put your artistry in.

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GIFT CARDS AS GIFTS

 

Gift cards are an amazing gift if you don’t like the person. It sends a message. It’s giving when Melissa Gorga gave Theresa Giduice sprinkle cookies. It’s a little dig.

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THE KARDASHIAN’S ANNUAL HOLIDAY CARD

 

I think we have enough pictures of them. But they’re not going to stop taking pictures. So if they want to spread Christmas cheer while they do it, pop off.

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HOMETOWN HOOKUPS

 

Not for me in Suffolk County, Long Island. Nothing I can get there that I can’t get in the great city of Manhattan or across this great country of America. But I did once hook up with someone from high school. His name was Shane, and it was cute. There’s definitely more straight guys in high school that I wish I could have hooked up with. But I think I aged a little bit better than them. I think many of them have children now, and wives. So I’m available for them, but I’m not counting on it.

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THE FAMILY STONE

 

I love Rachel McAdams. I love Sarah Jessica Parker. I love Dermot Mulroney. I love Diane Keaton. It has all the elements.

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ELVES

 

I love seeing women in tech. But I want to know what they’re being paid, that their benefits are right. I hope they have dental. I hope that they get a long break. I want paid sick leave and paid maternity leave for some of these elves. I’m a union man. If I didn’t speak up for the elves, that would not sit right in my spirit.

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DREIDELS

 

Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I made it out of clay. Those are the only words that I know. I love the way they spin. I would love the opportunity to spin a dreidel. I did date a Jewish man for a little bit over a year, and he really wanted me to write a Hanukkah song in my Christmas special. And I had to tell him, “I don’t think people want that from me,” but I am open to experiencing more of the culture and dating more Jewish men.

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CHIMNEYS

 

If we know Santa is coming, why are we making him go down the chimney? He’s a man of size and our chimneys are tight—if your chimney is anything like mine, wink, wink, nudge, nudge. Maybe we can make it easier on him and on ourselves. When someone comes down the chimney, you then have soot everywhere. I’m just not comfortable with the dirt of it all, especially when we all need to be thinking about ways to keep ourselves healthy. I would hate for Santa to get pneumonia. Imagine Santa’s blood on your hands.