Juno Birch on Self-Love, Good Looks, and Bingo Wings

What do you get when you cross a John Waters character, a Stepford Wife, and a member of the Blue Man Group? The answer is Juno Birch. The Manchester-based artist is many things: drag performer, sculptor, illustrator, Instagram phenom, and, according to her, alien. Here, she touches down on Earth just long enough to answer some questions from the writings of Warhol.

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ANDY WARHOL: What did you eat for breakfast?

JUNO BIRCH: A cigarette and a cup of coffee.

WARHOL: How did this happen to you?

BIRCH: I’ve always been doing drag without knowing it, so I think that’s why my drag name is my real name. I started performing onstage about three years ago.

WARHOL: Of all the looks you’ve created, do you have a particular favorite?

BIRCH: I love my hot dog costume so much. It’s like a shield from the world, a tent I can hide in.

WARHOL: What was your first job?

BIRCH: Working in a ’50s diner called Rockafellas, and I used to skid along the floors because they wouldn’t let us wear the roller skates for health and safety reasons.

WARHOL: Who was the nicest person you worked for?

BIRCH: I have never worked for anyone because I am a queen.

WARHOL: What’s your favorite movie?

BIRCH: Beetlejuice, Death Becomes Her, Mommie Dearest.

WARHOL: Who are your favorite actors?

BIRCH: Jennifer Coolidge and Danny DeVito.

WARHOL: Do you want to be a rock star?

BIRCH: I’m not sure about rock, but I’m definitely a star—a stunning one.

WARHOL: Do you play an instrument?

BIRCH: No, but I like to pretend that I can.

WARHOL: Do you dream?

BIRCH: Yes, who doesn’t? Sometimes I burst out laughing in the night and sometimes I have nightmares, and apparently I make cartoon ghost sounds.

WARHOL: Showers or baths? Why?

BIRCH: Both! Why not?

WARHOL: Are you a good cook? If so, what’s your specialty?

BIRCH: I like to think so. I have recently perfected sushi rice in my new rice cooker. I usually have it with salmon and broccoli.

WARHOL: What are you reading right now?

BIRCH: I only have books with pictures.

WARHOL: How many tubes of lipstick do you use a day?

BIRCH: I don’t wear makeup. This is all natural beauty, darling.

WARHOL: Is there anything you regret not doing?

BIRCH: I regret not checking my junk folder. I’ve recently realized there were invites to awards shows and things. I was mortified.

WARHOL: When do you get nervous?

BIRCH: When my cat hunts me and gets ready to pounce.

WARHOL: What do you like in a person?

BIRCH: I like people who don’t take life too seriously.

WARHOL: What do you think about love?

BIRCH: Love is when you want to squeeze something until it can’t breathe anymore. No, I am not a serial killer.

WARHOL: Why can’t it just be magic all the time?

BIRCH: Excuse me?

WARHOL: How many hotels have you been kicked out of?

BIRCH: None, because I am a good girl.

WARHOL: What’s the craziest thing a fan has ever sent you?

BIRCH: Someone once made a Juno doll in its own packaging and everything. Not crazy, but still amazing.

WARHOL: What do you do in your spare time?

BIRCH: I style wigs or play The Sims 2, or watch the jumpiest horror movie I can find.

WARHOL: Are you in love with anyone right now?

BIRCH: Yes, my hairy boyfriend Phil.

WARHOL: Have you ever had your heart broken?

BIRCH: Yes, when I was a teenager, but I soon found the love for myself after I transitioned.

WARHOL: How do you keep your good looks?

BIRCH: Mashed swede, as a face mask, as a nightcap, and in some cases, as a draft excluder.

WARHOL: Do you work out?

BIRCH: Absolutely not. The only exercise I do is when I’m combing a wig. It’s good for tightening these bingo wings.

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